


Starring Role

by Snowingiron



Category: Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age II
Genre: Anal Sex, Canon-Typical Violence, Hate Sex, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Oral Sex, Possessive Behavior, Rough Sex, Some Bondage, mention of past rape but really not detailed, no pwp, role play, some blood, some bruises
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-27
Updated: 2015-10-27
Packaged: 2018-04-28 12:16:21
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 13,698
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5090387
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Snowingiron/pseuds/Snowingiron
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Fenris accidentally catches Hawke and Anders in bed it doesn't occur to him that this might be something else than just sex. It's a role play and Hawke is pretending to be Fenris. He hates the mage and thought the mage hated him, but this is more than just a fantasy.</p><p> </p><p>  <i>Promise to hold you close and pray, watching the fantasies decay. Nothing will ever stay the same, so I'll love whatever you become, and forget the reckless things we've done.</i></p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> OMFG I'M SO NERVOUS. I USUALLY DON'T WRITE PORN. This is hardcore porn to me and probably vanilla sex to everyone else, but... I tried? So I never wrote porn like that before and english is not my first language... WHAT CAN GO WRONG?
> 
> ALSO HUGE FUCKING THANKS TO MY SOULSISTER SHELBY WHO WAS MY BETA. I hope together we could erase all typos. Thank you so much, I wouldn't know what to do without you!
> 
> mildly, VERY MILDLY, inspired by "Starring Role" from Marina and the diamonds and "Hatefuck" by The Bravery (all my OTPs have to fit that song I guess...)

_Feel the fade pull at my skin, bleeding, burning, hurting, haunting. Born a wolf who howls at the first moon. There's no end to what once was, burned from memory, torn with claws. Didn't know life without a chain, couldn't see through the fog, couldn't see past his rage. But he doesn't hold a leash like him. Hate him, hate him, hate him, until I love him. That feeling will just swell and roil, for what has magic touched that it doesn't spoil?_

 

_*_

 

After Aveline had come to his mansion to explain that his sister had arrived, the first thing that came to Fenris' mind was fear. The second was panic. The third was that he needed Hawke to go with him. He needed a warrior at his side for whatever was waiting for him. It could be a trap, it could lead Danarius right to him. What if he had to finally face his past? His steps got quicker and heavier, leading him to the Hawke Estate. It was already dark, with criminals creeping in the allies, waiting for an easy victim. Fenris was none of them.

 

When he knocked at the door it only took a few moments before an elf opened it and Fenris faintly remembered her as the one they rescued and then got a job offer from Hawke. Orana was her name. He still didn't approve but he grunted as he went past her and let himself in. She asked if she could do something for him but when he glared at her she just shuffled away to whatever she was doing before. He probably shouldn't give Hawke a hard time about this but to see an elf working at a human's mansion made his whole body cringe. It felt wrong. But he didn't say anything, at least she was getting paid and didn't have to live on the streets.

 

He climbed the stairs to Hawke's room on light feet and only stopped when he had already grabbed the door knob. There was a long moan coming from the other side. It was Hawke, almost growling and Fenris wanted to turn around and leave, he had no desire to listen to him and Isabela's passionate love making. But then he heard a second voice which wasn't female at all, a pleading voice begging for more. Fenris freezed on the spot. It was Anders.

 

Fenris swallowed, torn between leaving or staying. There was no reason to stay. Hawke cheated on Isabela, why should he care? He was sure _she_ wouldn't care, and Anders was a free man. At least free enough to share the bed with whomever he wanted. He didn't care. He didn't care at all.

 

Fenris stayed.

 

He opened the door a little, the fireplace throwing a slim flash of light into the hallway. He leaned against the door frame so he could take a look at the scene before him and almost gasped at the sight.

 

Anders was on his stomach, a pillow shoved unter his hips, keeping him steady. His hair was only losely tied together, most of it sticking to his blushing face, while he panted heavily and then groaned again. The mage's hands were tied on his back, his wrists slightly red from it but he didn't seem to mind. What shocked Fenris most was probably Hawke's muscled body on top of Anders, fucking into the mage like his life depended on it, ass flexing everytime he shoved in. Their skin tone matched each other's, though Anders was slightly paler, probably from his life hiding in the dark and his shady clinic.

 

Fenris couldn't see much of Anders body, he was almost completely covered by Hawke but the obscene sounds he made were ringing in the elf's ears and sending flashes of heat right between his legs. He swallowed and kept watching, how skin met skin and made sounds almost as loud as their voices.

 

"Oh Maker, that's hot."

 

Fenris frowned at Isabela's voice. Apparently she was somewhere behind the door, maybe draped across an armchair and watching them with pride. She always flirted with Anders and had probably offered every member of their group the chance to get a threesome. Even to Varric. But none of them had accepted, even though they had all blushed and looked tempted. Somehow Fenris hadn't predicted Anders to be the one to give in. But then again, this wasn't a threesome. Isabela was just watching, maybe even pleasuring herself at the sight.

 

Fenris felt like his whole face was on fire, even his ears. Somehow he was disgusted and angry but at the same time he couldn't look away; the way Anders arched his back and bent forward again, trying to feel Hawke at all angles while his hands tried to fight the red scarf that still bound his hands.

 

" _Ah_ , please..."

 

Fenris shivered. Anders' voice cracked a little, so needy, so desperate. He could feel his cock swell in his own leggins, trying hard to ignore it, to not touch himself upon the scenery that didn't seem to have an end. Hawke would be rough and fast until Anders looked like he was coming any second. Then he'd go slow again, kiss Anders' neck and sweaty back, humming with an amused voice.

 

"Please what?" Hawke chuckled and kept still inside of him while the mage was struggling again with a whiny sound coming from his throat.

 

"Please," he breathed. "Fenris..."

 

Fenris froze. All arousal that had built up inside of him collapsed like a house of cards from Wicked Grace and left him with fear and panic. He had been exposed, they knew, they would turn around and curse him for ruining their moment. He was ready to open his mouth and defend himself with whatever came to his mind. Or should he apologise? It was not his fault, it wasn't.

But nothing like that happened. Instead Hawke hummed again and pulled Anders up on his knees until their bodies were flush against each other, one hand still in the mage's hair and the other sliding down his skin until he reached his cock.

 

"You have to tell me, mage."

 

" _Fenris_ , I need you. Please let me come."

 

"Is that what you want? Should I treat you like a slave now? You don't want to be a magister, do you? You want _me_ to control you now," he growled into Anders' ear and saw the mage twitch with want. "You're pathetic."

 

Fenris felt too many things at once. Things he always felt when he thought about the abomination and things he couldn't name, new feelings or feelings that had evolved from current ones. This was not what he expected. He didn't expect them to be _role playing_ in bed, with Hawke pretending to be Fenris. _Why_? It either was a sick game of self-loathing that Anders was playing or something else entirely that he didn't want to think about. Not now, no. He didn't wait for Hawke to fuck Anders back into the pillow, to make him finally come, to humiliate him some more. He fled down the stairs, not bothering to close the door and ran back to the mansion as fast as he could.

 

He was leaning against the door to his bedroom, locking it, even though there was no reason to do it. He put down his sword and threw his gauntles onto the floor before he climbed into his bed, pressing himself against the mattress with an angry growl. He tried not to think of the mage, tried not to replace Hawke with himself in that fantasy, so he could have his way with him. Fenris growled again and shoved a hand between himself and the bed sheet, freeing his hard cock that had already stained his smallclothes and began to rub himself fast and rough, the way he would fuck Anders, if he would allow himself to want the mage. But he didn't, he didn't want him at all, didn't want to kiss those swollen lips or lick the pale skin, didn't want to bury himself inside that firm ass and hold him close. Fenris moaned loudly and came all over himself, ruining his sheets and himself in the process.

 

His whole body shivered and for a few moments he was relaxed and allowed those feelings to wash over him. In that moment he also let himself think about Anders, about the mage, about the pain he always felt crawling over his skin. It was the 'gift' of Danarius, the constant pain of the Lyrium which only got worse when someone touched him. But he remembered their mission into the deep roads, remembered Anders touching him to heal his arm instead of using his magic from afar. For the first time since he could remember he hadn't felt any pain from touching and hated himself for wondering what it would be like to be touched by the mage again.

 

The moment didn't pass, he dwelled on his thoughts until sleep took him in.

 

*

 

_It's not your fault, your life was not yours to fill with happiness, this rage is all you know, clawing, lasting, knowing, lurking. No one came to rescue you, you had to save yourself, lick your own wounds, howl in the night. It's so dark, but I will stay with you._

 

_*_

 

"You blighted elf, why must you be so stubborn?!" Anders threw his hands in the air and was about to lose the last of his patience.

 

It was their usual fight about mages and slaves, both sides too angry to give in. Hawke and Isabela had just rolled their eyes and tried to stay out of it, like everyone else always did. Only Varric was sitting on a tree stump and pretended to clean Bianca while he was obviously interested in listening to them. He never intervened though.

 

"I don't know what you want to hear from me, _mage_ , but do you expect me to forget everything magic has done to me?"

 

"It wasn't _magic_ that did this to you, it was magisters. How can you compare any mage you met to those monsters?"

 

"You're all ambitious," Fenris murmured and stoked the fire some more. "One moment of weakness and you'll turn into abominations and bend the rules of the world until everyone is falling to their knees in front of you."

 

"How can you believe that? Mages have been through enough, locked up inside the circle, no chance of escaping, no chance of having a life. We may not have been called slaves but a golden cage is still a cage."

 

Now Fenris threw back his head and let out a loud bark of laughter, though there was a hint of bitterness in his voice.

 

"Is that what you want to tell me? Compare the pain of being a slave to being a mage? You're still your own person. You haven't been born into this life, you had a life before being in a circle, didn't you? For us there is nothing else. You're raised into believing that you're less than a person, you're property and you'll be used as such." He swallowed but the lump in his throat didn't go away. "Whatever your master wishes to use you for, you have no choice."

 

There was a moment of silence and Fenris still scowled at the man who seemed ready to tear his hair out but stopped in the movement and just smoothed it back until the hair tie came undone and his hair fell into his face. Fenris tried not to stare too much and looked at the fire instead.

 

"You know, it's not like I don't want to feel compassion for you," the mage sighed. "It's not like I don't want to understand or even claim that our situation is worse than those of slaves in Tevinter. But do you have to make it so bloody hard for me? How can I understand when all you do is throw insults at me and tell me we deserve everything that happened to us? The beatings, the humilations, the harrowing, the... the rape."

 

Fenris froze. That was not was he meant. But with Anders he always felt like he couldn't give in. He actually enjoyed arguing with the mage. It got a rise out of the man and a form of rage that no one else got to see. But the most important reason why he did this was because he could. Never before did he have a chance to voice his opinion like that, his disagreement. He was a slave, the most spoken phrases had been "Yes, master“ and "Thank you, master“. Now he wasn't a slave anymore, now he was able to talk back and couldn't resist that opportunity. He could be angry at a mage, someone who was weak enough to let a demon in and proved how dangerous magic was.

 

Fenris hated him, more than Merrill who was an actual blood mage. He hated him because when he first saw Anders in the company of Hawke he had thought the man with the strawberry blond hair and the feather coat was achingly beautiful. He hated him for the desire he had invoked in the elf until he realised that this man wasn't just this, a man. He was a mage, but not just a mage, an abomination. He had thought of Danarius, who he loved once, a cruel and twisted interpretation of love, but the only kind of love Fenris had known. And now he felt something else, something blood-curling and it was a mage who made him feel like that.

 

"And when they finally break you they make you tranquil, so no one will ever find out what they did to you. They turn you into nothing and call it a life... Now, what is worse, Fenris? Not remembering any other life or knowing exactly what freedom felt like, only to have it taken away forever, for something that's in your blood, something you cannot change?" He scowled at Fenris now. "I think the worst is being told that I didn't suffer enough for it to be called suffering at all."

 

Fenris was trembling from the inside. Whether it was rage or compassion, he couldn't tell. He decided it was rage. "And how long until you want to inflict that pain on others? On people you'll see as lesser beings once you rose to power? Mages are weak."

 

"Not all mages are."

 

"No, Bethany wasn't weak. But you've already let one demon in, how many more will follow?"

 

"I'm not weak," Anders said with a firm voice and glowered at Fenris. "and Justice is not a demon. You don't even understand magic, you only saw people who corrupted it. How dare you judge us on what you endured in Tevinter?"

 

"It's all I know, _mage_. So far nothing I saw convinced me that any of you are different," Fenris barked and the moment he said it he regretted it. Because it was not true. Merrill was too kind compared to the blood mages he had met and Anders was running a clinic. He helped people, he hadn't hurt anyone if he could prevent it. He was a healer and his touches didn't hurt.

 

"I see." Anders' voice was oddly calm and after a few seconds of silence he just stood up and told Varric that he would help Isabela and Hawke hunting down some food.

 

" _Kaffas_ ," Fenris cursed quietly and pressed the clawed gauntles into his palm.

 

"That was rough, Broody." Varric usually looked amused during their fights but now he almost looked... dissapointed. "I know you and Blondie don't always see eye to eye but that was cruel. None of you deserve that pain. This is not a competition."

 

"Shut up," Fenris hissed and scowled at the fire.

It didn't take long for the other three to return and Anders joked and laughed like nothing had happened. Fenris remained silent though and didn't even react to some of Hawke's teasing. His friend was mildly concerned but soon enough Isabela had him concentrate on other things and Fenris was the first to retreat to his tent. Usually, he shared it with Anders, always an awkward silence and as much space as possible between them. But this time the mage didn't come, even when the fire had gone out. He could imagine how Anders probably looked for Hawke and Isabela in the woods, how he had cursed Fenris and threw himself into the warrior's arms. They probably invited him into their tent later, where he could lie between them, feel their touches and their devotion.

 

He couldn't hear anything but maybe they touched him, Isabela's hand covering Anders' mouth while Hawke buried his face in the mage's lap, sucking him off to make him feel better. Or maybe he would just use his hand, jerk him off slowly and almost tender while whispering words into his ear, pretending to be Fenris again:

 

_Let me make you feel good again. I'm sorry for what I said. I want you so much it makes me angry, I can't help myself. You don't deserve my cruelty, let me make it up to you. I want you, I want you, I want you. Come for me._

 

And would Anders believe him? Would he indulge in that fantasy of Fenris calling him something else than an abomination? Did he yearn for Fenris so much that he'd try to believe an illusion?

Something teared at the inside of Fenris body, made his organs boil and almost activated the Lyrium markings on his skin. He didn't dare to call it jealousy, but it ached just like that. He couldn't make things right with Anders, he was too wary to give in; not when he was still on the run, when he wasn't free and couldn't trust his own feelings. What if the thing that drew him to the mage was the same that had drawn him to Danarius once?

 

And he still hadn't told Hawke about his sister and the week she stayed at The Hanged Man was almost over. But to be honest, he didn't want to ask him for help. Everytime he looked at Hawke he thought of him fucking Anders in his bed. It felt a little bit like betrayal, that he would do that for Anders, that he didn't think about Fenris in all of this. They had become good friends and they knew a lot about each other. They were both warriors and had bonded over many things. They all seemed meaningsless now in the face of Hawke using what he knew to embody him, to use him for pleasuring a mage Fenris hated. How could he? There was no one left he could trust, now. He curled into a firm ball of jealousy, disgust and disappointment, the thin blanket covering him up to his nose.

 

It was hard to find sleep but after a while his body seemed to slowly unwind and he imagined the hand of his sister stroking his hair, whispering soothing words to ease him into sleep.

 

_You're not alone, I'll watch over you._

 

*****

 

_pain, pain, so much pain. It's too much, I feel too much, make it stop! Stop it! White, hot, boiling, I don't want this anymore, take it away, take it away!_

 

_Forget._

 

*

 

On the last day Fenris decided to go to his sister alone. He didn't want to ask Hawke, no doubt he would insist on bringing Anders along, or even the whole gang. This was private though, this was important to Fenris and he didn't want everyone to know. He felt so vulnerable when it came to his past and perhaps he should trust his friends more. But were they? His friends? All of them? He sighed and when he entered The Hanged Man at daylight he was more nervous than ever.

 

He stepped inside, the sword securely strapped to his back and ready to defend him from whatever would come for him. He didn't think he'd need it for a meeting with his sister, but it always made him feel safer.

 

He swallowed when he saw an elf girl sitting at one of the tables. He stepped closer until she could see him from the corner of her eyes and looked up. There was no change in her features when she recognised him, instead she looked back at the table again.

 

"It really is you."

 

"Varania...?“ Her face, her voice... suddenly memories flooded his brain, memories that he didn't just remember. They felt like someone placed them in front of him, out of pity, like he was a beggar in the streets. "I... I remember you. We played in our master's courtyard while Mother worked." He heard feet behind him but he didn't turn around. "You called me-"

 

"Leto. That's your name." She stood up, she was almost as tall as him, but she still didn't look at him. Why didn't she look at him?

 

Behind Fenris, someone drew his sword and when he spinned around it was Hawke and Aveline and behind them... Anders.

 

"Hawke. What are you-"

 

"Aveline just asked me if you went to see your sister already. She thought I knew because you wanted to ask me, so you wouldn't have to go alone. Why didn't you tell me?"

 

There was hurt in Hawke's voice and Fenris felt a pang of guilt blooming in his chest. He had been dwelling so much on what he saw in the estate, that he forgot that this was indeed his friend. He was here now, because he worried. But Hawke didn't look at him either, only briefly, before he looked back at Varania and squinted.

 

"I.. what's wrong?" Fenris asked with a frown.

 

"It's a trap, Fenris, you have to leave _now_."

 

He turned around again and his sister looked away from him. When he followed her glance his eyes widened and it took all his willpower not to step back in shock.

 

"No...“

 

"Ah, my little Fenris, predictable as always," Danarius said with an amused smile on his lips.

 

"I'm sorry it came to this, Leto.“

 

All guilt, fear or soft feelings he might have felt a moment ago were burned down and left him naked with rage. It took two steps to reach his sister and he clenched his fists so hard the sharp points were digging into his palms.

 

"You led him here!"

 

"Now, now, Fenris. Don't blame your sister. She did what any Imperial citizen should.“

 

Fenris took a deep breath and couldn't suppress a growl when Danarius came closer and brought everything the elf dreaded back to life.

 

"I never wanted these filthy markings, Danarius! But I won't let you kill me to get them," he hollered with one hand already grasping the hilt of his sword.

 

Danarius was still smiling, even snickering a little, he wasn't worried at all. He was sure he'd get Fenris back to Tevinter, one way or another. He was so arrogant it stoked the white hot fire inside of Fenris again.

 

„Oh, how little you know, my pet. And this is your new master then? Another mage? I knew deep down you missed me, little wolf."

 

Fenris choked, not only because of the words, there was also the fade pulling strongly at his skin and that only happened when...

 

" **The elf is no slave**." Blue light cracking through pale skin, eyes like beacons of magic, waves of heat rolling off of him, reminding him of the days he had spent with the fog warriors.

 

He felt like he was on fire, his own markings started to flare and he drew his sword. Aveline and Hawke were flung aside by a spell of Danarius, but it couldn't reach the mage or Fenris, the fade keeping them out of phase and Fenris gladly took down the warriors his former master had brought to protect him. Usually it had been him who accompanied Danarius across the sea, protecting him from forces that seeked to destroy him. With Fenris there was no need for others. Now Danarius was vulnerable, fighting against the abomination while the elf buried his sword in human flesh and split it in half.

 

In that moment he didn't care that there was a demon inside of Anders. In that moment this demon was his ally, his companion in crime, the only one who defended him in the eyes of slavery. He felt the warm blood sprinkling his face when he decapitated the last warrior and took a deep breath. He frowned when he saw an arrow in the head that had fallen to the ground and looked up to spot Varric at the top of the stairs, shrugging and shouldering Bianca again.

 

"Looks like you don't need my help at all."

 

Fenris just nodded at him and then turned around. What he saw made him choke on air. The demon was facing Fenris, with Danarius on his knees in front of him and presented to the elf. He hadn't killed the magister, he left him for Fenris to finish. This was his kill to make.

 

" **Men like you are the reason why mages are feared and treated gruesomely in other lands. You keep slaves and take their lives and dignity. It is unjust. When I freed the mages, I'll come for the slavers next**."

 

Then the blue eyes rose to meet Fenris' and the demon pulled back Danarius' head so he had to look at the elf, too.

 

"Please..."

 

Fenris crossed the distance in a second and buried his hand in the magister's chest.

 

"You are no longer my master," he growled and ripped out his heart as slowly and painful as he could. He crushed it with his spiked gauntlets and let the lumps of flesh fall to the ground. He took a deep breath of relief and closed his eyes for a moment.

 

Then he turned on his sister.

 

"I had no choice, Leto." She was sitting on the floor, her back pressed against the wall and her eyes filled with fear.

 

"Stop calling me that!" Fenris screamed, he had to set free his anger, it was his right to feel that way. He faintly heard Hawke groaning in the distance, finally getting awake after Danarius had knocked him out. But Fenris couldn't care about him right now.

 

"He was going to make me his apprentice. I would have been a magister!“

 

Fenris didn't think his anger could grow, but here he was, staring at her in disbelief.

 

"You sold out your own brother to become a magister?!"

 

"You have no idea what we went through," Varania said and got up from the floor, scowling in a way that made other memories stirr inside of Fenris. "What I've had to do since mother died. This was my only chance.“

 

Fenris grew cold inside. "And now you have no chance at all."

 

He stepped closer, his markings mirroring his feelings and burning on his skin. He heard Hawke calling his name, his only name, Fenris. But he didn't listen, he lifted his hand, ready to do to her what he did to Danarius.

 

Suddenly there was a hand on his shoulder, glowing blue like veins lying bare on skin. He knew it was the demon but he didn't need him anymore, he didn't want to be touched by him, even though it made his body go slack a little, like he was draining him with one touch and leaving him peaceful and content. He shrugged off the hand and turned around with a sharp glance.

 

" **This is not just. An unfree mind shall not be blamed. No killing.** " Justice was calm.

 

"Why not? She was ready to have me killed," he spat and couldn't believe he was even arguing with that blighted spirit.

 

"Fenris... Don't do this, it won't help. Trust me." Varric was watching him from a few feet away with a pained expression on his face. Like this scene was too familiar for him.

 

Fenris swallowed and looked away for a moment. Then he looked at his sister before he could decide otherwise.

 

"Get out."

 

He saw her eyes widen for a second, then she took off and ran for the door. But before she reached it she slowed down and turned around again.

 

"You said you didn't ask for this, but that's not true. You wanted it. You competed for it. When you won, you used the boon to have mother and I freed."

 

"Why are you telling me this?" He frowned at her but couldn't prevent a feeling of sadness from nagging at him.

 

"Freedom was no boon. I look on you now and I think you received the better end of the bargain."

 

Then she was gone.

 

The Hanged Man was quiet for once, most customers had fled and the owner was frozen to the spot behind the counter. Fenris felt horrible. For the first time in his life he wanted to cry and scream at the same time. He faintly remembered his family now. His mother's hair, his sister's hugs. He couldn't remember freedom as a child but it was something they all longed for, something they still could imagine, even though they never had it. Freedom was a goal that suddenly was in reach when Danarius had told them about the markings. He couldn't set himself free but he could free his family. The fights had been long and hard and he had almost died, more than once. But in the end he was victorious and he sickened at how good he had felt when Danarius told him he was proud. Then he had forgotten and became a part of magic himself. That was how it felt, half elf, half magic, the Lyrium reacting to every mage differently, because everyone used him differently. Danarius had only been pain. Merrill was everything bright and sharp. Anders was...

 

He scowled at himself. It was no one else but he who had destroyed everything. It was the Lyrium, his skin, without it he would be free, but he wasn't. Hadn't he blamed Anders and all mages for what happened to him? Nothing Anders endured was enough to compare to what Fenris had suffered. And now he was told that it was his own choice. He chose that. And hadn't he been a priviledged slave, too? Wasn't it him who held Danarius' favour? The other slaves didn't have that luck. They weren't important. Their damage didn't matter to his master.

 

Fenris felt even more sick.

 

"I thought discovering my past would bring a sense of belonging, but I was wrong,“ he finally said. "Magic has tainted that, too. There is nothing for me to reclaim. I am alone."

 

He didn't even know who he was talking to, but it was Justice who answered.

 

" **It wasn't mages but the action of one man. Will you blame Anders again?** "

 

Fenris didn't want to correct him. He didn't mean the mages, he meant himself. He had been angry at his sister, but was he any different? He had wanted these. Not only to free his family but to be become something better, to make his master proud. This was all he had known.

 

Mages were still dangerous, but Fenris had succumbed to the same weakness. Never again.

 

"Get out of my way, _demon_."

 

The mage's eyes were still glowing, but there was no emotion in them. The demon couldn't even fake simple expressions!

 

" **I don't understand** ," the demon said almost surprised. " **Compassion clings to you like a shadow, yet you refuse to show it, learn from it. Your bitterness will tear you both apart.** " He stepped closer. " **You condemn me and call me a demon. I am not**."

 

Fenris didn't care.

 

"Out of my way, demon," he whispered and didn't even wait, he bumped Justice's shoulder and finally left, sucking in the fresh air that didn't smell of blood and stale beer.

 

With his arm he wiped his face until no more blood came off and just walked and walked so he didn't have to look back. He was finally free, but that freedom tasted like ashes. He felt like he had lost more than he gained.

 

He didn't even want to return to the mansion, his mansion now, but where else would he go? He didn't want to see anyone now, there was nothing his friends could do. Friends...

 

"Fenris!“

 

His steps faltered when he heard Anders' voice. Anders, not the demon. Fenris gritted his teeth and walked faster, already being close to high town. But the mage didn't give up until he reached him, his hand stretching out, which Fenris didn't see but _feel_ , the markings already reacting, slowing him down, like they _wanted_ to get touched by him.

 

But before that could happen Fenris turned around and shoved Anders against the wall of the next alley, so hard that he gasped.

 

"What do you want from me, _mage_?"

 

"I... wanted to make sure you're all right."

 

"And why do you care? Do you hope to defeat me now that I'm vulnerable, now that you know everything?"

 

Anders' shocked expression turned to a guarded one and he grabbed Fenris' armoured wrists to shove them away, but Fenris was too strong, so he just struggled.

 

"What is wrong with you?! Do you think Justice and I don't care about what happened to you? Do you think slavery doesn't bother us? Can't I get anything right with you?!"

 

Before Anders could say anything else, Fenris crashed their mouths together. A surprised noise came from the mage and Fenris could feel tension in his body. The elf didn't stop. It was all teeth and biting so he wouldn't have to call it a kiss. He could just rip the mage's lips apart, make him bleed and taste his blood like the feral beast Anders thought he was.

 

But then Anders started to moan and the grip around his gauntlets loosened, so Fenris grabbed his wrists instead and pinned them above his head, kissing him again (yes, kissing), while pressing their bodies together. He tried not to make any sounds, but Anders couldn't help himself apparently, needy noises escaping from his throat between kisses and when Fenris moved his hips _just so_ , he could feel the bulge under the mage's coat.

  
Fenris was hard himself, he felt himself leaking with want and it was worse than the night he caught Anders and Hawke in the mansion. To get himself off was easy but he seldom did that anyway. Getting off with someone else was tough and almost like an exercise. It was like a something in his mind was blocking him, not just the memories from his time as a slave. It wasn't the lack of technique either, he _was_ talented when it came to sex... But he only ever had to pleasure others or himself alone. Working together so both reached pleasure was something unfamiliar, yet he craved it so much.

 

In this moment it didn't seem very hard though, because he couldn't think. His senses were heightened, his blood was still boiling from the fight and there was nothing else in his mind but a chant of _want want want_. There was no room for anything else.

 

The sun was still up but the alley's shadow covered them nicely, and he still had Anders pinned to the wall, his knee sliding between the mage's legs after he shoved the coat and the robes aside with his free hand. Anders groaned again when there was suddenly more friction and less fabric between them.

 

Fenris moved his mouth from lips to jaw, nibbling at the stubble before he dropped lower to the perfect neck that was unmarked, not tainted by Hawke or Isabela or someone else. He felt Anders wriggling against him with his whole body, but he didn't try to get his hands free, he just rubbed himself on Fenris' knee, almost riding him and panting with closed eyes and mouth hanging open. Fenris resumed his kissing on the tender skin, until he found the perfect spot between neck and shoulder and he felt himself hesitating, never before he had wanted to do that to anyone, to mark someone like that. In his head he imagined Anders trying to explain it to Hawke and some perverted kind of satisfaction rippled through him.

 

"Fenris," Anders whimpered, babbling nonesense while grinding harder against Fenris' thigh. It sent a thrill of arousal through him, the way Anders said his name. It was different than the way he heard it during the role play. It was high pitched, needy and absolutely wrecked.

 

"Shut up, mage, or I'll have to gag you," he growled but couldn't hide his own needs, the bucking of his hips.

 

Anders only moaned louder at that and Fenris let his wrists go to cover his mouth. His hands immediately dropped to grab Fenris' back and pulled him closer. Fenris grinned at that, licking his lips before he finally placed his mouth over the pale skin, kissing it and sucking hard to form a bruise. He felt Anders breathe loudly through his nose, the clawed gauntlets pressed against his cheek and for a moment they were almost still, just pressed against each other.

 

Then Fenris broke away from the skin with a smacking sound and took a deep breath before he bent down again and sank his teeth into the sensitive skin. He was merciless and bit down until he drew blood, feeling like his marks were activated but he knew they weren't. It just was the mage and his muffled scream, the way his hips moved and his hands grabbed at the elf's back, twitching and bucking until his whole body went slack. Only then Fenris realised that Anders had come in his pants from rubbing against Fenris and getting bitten.

 

He let the mage go and stepped back carefully, yet still painfully hard, while Anders sank to the ground and panted with his eyes closed, the front of his robes a mess. Fenris could only stare at him, and for a moment he didn't know what to do, but when Anders opened his eyes again and gazed up at Fenris with parted lips, he thought about gagging again and moved his hands to open the laces of his leggins. Anders' eyes flickered to the movement and he understood immediately, reaching out his hands to help. Fenris shuffled closer again and Anders shifted on his knees to do the rest of the laces, freeing his cock out of the leggins.

 

He could see the mage's adam's apple bounce when he swallowed at the sight of Fenris' length and he didn't hesitate, he took him into his mouth, all at once and the elf hissed at the sudden heat that enveloped him. Anders moaned at the taste and swallowed deeper until his nose pressed against his abdomen. Fenris drew in a sharp breath. Then Anders slowly pulled back, keeping the tip in his mouth and sucking on it in a delicious way that made his legs tremble.

 

He watched the mage on his knees, licking and swallowing his cock, almost worshipping it and he just didn't understand. The role play with Hawke, their fightings, what did the mage see in him? Why did he want him so much? Had it something to do with his need of being treated roughly? Hawke had handled him like a slave, bound his hands, taken him from behind, hurt him. And Fenris had relished in the sight. When it came to sex, Anders wanted to be treated like he was hated. Who would be more qualified for that than Fenris? Perhaps Anders and Hawke and even Isabela were in love and together. Maybe their role play was just a sick game after all.

 

Somehow that thought made his chest sting but he couldn't rub it away, with the chest plate still on him. It spread until it made his eyes burn from hurt, and pain always turned into rage at some point. He grabbed Anders' hair that was still tied together and tugged hard until his cock almost slipped from the mages lips.

 

"What do you want from me, _mage_? What do you want me to do to you?" _Why why why? Do you hate me so much?_

 

Anders didn't move for a second, he only looked up at him through heavy-lidded eyes. Then he let his jaw go slack, folding his hands behind his back and waited. Just waited.

 

" _Ven'hedis,_ " Fenris growled when he understood and grabbed the hair tighter, with both hands now, to keep the head still and then thrusted inside the warm mouth. At first he was careful but when Anders didn't complain and even tried to move his head, Fenris got bolder, digging his claws into the mage's scalp and making him cry out. He started to fuck his mouth in earnest, watching his length disappearing in the man's throat over and over again, lips already turning red and swollen.

 

He was fascinated and all other thoughts vanished for now, only leaving him wanting and groaning. Finally he could let go and be in the moment, thinking of nothing else than Anders and himself, that maybe this wasn't a part of some twisted game. Right now, the mage was his.

 

" _Mage_..."

 

He called him mage, spitting it out like a curse, _mage mage mage_ , in a harsh tone, splitting it with his tongue. _Mage_ , like an insult. _Mage_ , until it turned soft, murmured into the air between them and whispered like a prayer. _My mage_ , before Fenris realised that he wasn't.

 

Fenris wanted to pull out and run, but he was already over the edge, coming hard and painting Anders' face with his seed. The mage gasped and moaned, not minding at all and even licked it from his lips. Fenris didn't feel the need to kneel down in front of him. He didn't want to kiss Anders, didn't want to hold him. He didn't want anything. So he ran.

 

*

 

_Wanting, waiting, yearning. Whispers in the corners of my home, I try to replace old memories with new ones but it's hard. I've never been the one who gets, I'm always the one who pays. So I stay away until he forgets, but he doesn't. Why can't I decide?_

 

*

 

Fenris had been hiding in his mansion for days, huffing, pacing and ocassionally drinking. But he had to admit, he hated wine, no matter how often he tried it. Hawke and the others thought he had already drained Danarius' wine stock but that wasn't true. Spiders were still building their nests between the glass bottles. Every sip reminded him of his old life and he didn't need that. Instead he was alone with his thoughts and for the first time he understood why Varric called him Broody.

 

Hawke had tried to talk to him and at one point even asked him if he wanted to go on a mission, but when Fenris declined he had been respectful about it. However, a few days later Hawke forced him out of his bedroom and dragged him to The Hanged Man. Hawke was a talented man, capable of doing ridiculous and yet convincing faces, that left Fenris unable to say no. And when he didn't think about Hawke with Isabela and Anders he could even smile in his friend's company.

 

"It's good to see you smile again. I was really worried... You still don't want to talk about it?"

 

"No."

 

"Fair enough."

 

Fenris sighed. "I'm trying to put it in the past where it belongs. I'm free now but I don't feel free at all. I don't know why yet but I'll figure it out. I... I'm glad that you're my friend."

 

Hawke snorted and put his hands on his belt while they were walking side by side.

 

"I wasn't a real help after all. One spell from that awful magister and I was out. Aveline and I are very embarrassed about it. Varric said we looked fashionably asleep."

 

"Varric must know."

 

The other man hummed and his steps got a bit slower so Fenris stopped until they were on the same height again.

 

"I didn't see everything but Varric told me what happened, with you and Justice."

 

"Don't, Hawke," he groaned.

 

"Seriously, why are you two so stubborn? You don't have to be enemies."

 

"I don't need another speech in the mage's defence, Hawke." There was no need. Fenris was just as weak as the mages he blamed for everything. He had tried to deal with that fact during the last days. "Let it rest, please."

 

Hawke looked ready to say a hundred things more and Fenris would be angry at his friend trying to defend Anders at all times, but he knew that Hawke defended the elf just as often. Then the pictures of Hawke being in bed with Anders resurfaced and his expression hardened. For the first time he wished that he didn't know of it. It started to make him question a friendship he highly valued. Even if Hawke didn't seem to play games with him.

 

When they entered The Hanged Man it was full to the brim and they had to squeeze through many bodies. Fenris grimaced everytime they brushed his skin and sighed with relief when they arrived at Varric's suite. Everyone else was already there, even Aveline with her lover Donnic and Merrill was already giggling into her mug. When she saw the two of them she started to beam and raised her drink, whatever it was, Merrill was a featherweight.

 

"He made it! He brought us Fenris!“

 

The others looked at them and greeted them with loud voices until Fenris took a seat. They shoved a mug of ale in his direction and he took it without complain. It wasn't his favourite taste either but it was different enough to not remind him of wine. Maybe now he had the time to find out what he actually liked.

 

"It's been ages since we had time for some Wicked Grace," Varric said while Hawke sat down next to Isabela and then moved his chair even closer to her. She chuckled when he buried his face in her neck and tickled her with his beard.

 

"Cut it out love birds, we want to play!"

 

Fenris had been trying not to look at Anders, but when he finally dared to raise his glance the mage quickly looked away and cleared his throat. From that angle Fenris could see that his neck was still slightly bruised and the marks of his teeth were as clear as the day. A satisfied smirk tucked at his lips but when Anders caught him staring at his neck he scowled and grabbed the cards Varric had dealt him.

 

He usually was good at Wicked Grace but tonight he couldn't concentrate at all, everything distracted him. Merrill and her bursts of happiness that sprinkled all over the table, Varric's very loud laugh and Isabela and Hawke's not so secret touches under the table. He avoided looking at Anders again but he saw him in his mind, picturing how he went back to Hawke and Isabela. Maybe Isabela was the one to hug him, to rub his back because she wasn't pretending to be Fenris, she could be tender with him. Maybe they would even go to bed together, all three of them, Isabela giving him soft kisses while Hawke was biting at his back, recreating what Fenris had done, in his name, with his words on his lips.

 

_You and your demon are mine, mine to torment and mine to care for. You saw Danarius, what he did to me, I want to do it to you. Does it make you hate me even more? Good._

 

He remembered the needy noises Anders had made in the alley and intertwined them with this fantasy, this reality that had probably happened. Maybe Isabela would smile at him and ask: _What if Fenris was a woman? Would you want him then, too?_ And Anders would let her ride him, call her Fenris as well and beg for more, suck on her fingers and lick invisible lines of Lyrium. She would be a different version of the elf, call Anders a _good boy_ and would give him soothing kisses after she hurt him and hold him in her arms until he relaxed again and they'd drift to sleep like lovers...

 

"Broody, it's your turn!" Varric looked at him with raised eyebrows and Fenris blinked.

 

"Uh... yes, I... raise two Sovereigns."

 

"Hah! I will get you this time," Isabela said with glee in her voice.

 

"You say that everytime." Anders grinned at her.

 

"Well, and one day it'll be true!"

 

The mage laughed. "On that day Templars and mages will kiss in the courtyard"

 

"Oh, is that what you wish to do? You still didn't tell us about your little love bite on your neck!"

 

Suddenly Anders got red in the face and the others started to laugh. Fenris frowned. So he hadn't told Hawke and Isabela? A knot that had formed inside his chest was slowly losening, while Anders tried to defend himself and insisted that it wasn't anyone's business who he was involved with.

 

"Aww." Isabela placed her chin on her hands and smiled sadly at him. "So we won't get to see your little electricity trick anymore? That's a shame."

 

Now Anders leaned towards her with a firm expression on his face. "Who said that I was taken."

 

Her eyes started to shine. " _Oh_? So you wouldn't mind a bit of fun, hm?"

 

"Oh, please," Aveline groaned but Varric thought it was finally getting interesting while Merrill was very confused and asked about that electricity trick. Fenris wanted to know too, but he was smart enough not to say so.

 

Isabela leaned back against Hawke who sneaked an arm around her chest to keep her steady. Then she sprawled out her legs on Anders' lap who only rolled his eyes and let his fingers ghost over her skin, since she had taken off her boots. After a moment you could see little flashes of blue spark between them that left Isabela moaning and she wriggled in her lover's arms. Even Hawke shivered, he probably felt it too and smirked at Anders.

 

Fenris remembered the satisfaction after he had marked the mage and how good it would be to see the reaction of Hawke and Isabela when they found out. But this was nothing like he had imagined and he didn't like it all. He didn't want anyone else to touch Anders.

 

"Nice trick, blondie. Or should I call you sparkle fingers instead? Hmmm, that's a good one."

 

"Ohhh," Merrill squealed and pointed at them. "That's a sex thing! I know all about it."

 

Somehow everyone believed that and Isabela licked her lips in an obscene way.

 

"Perhaps you should join us tonight, Anders."

 

Fenrnis frowned. That was the last straw.

 

"Will you pretend to be me again?"

 

While most of them were confused, Isabela and Hawke turned to stare at him with wide eyes. Anders had gotten two shades paler which Fenris had thought impossible and looked just as shocked.

 

"You? What?" Merril asked but didn't get an answer and when the three involved didn't say anything, Fenris huffed and pushed back his chair loudly. He put down his cards face up and moved to the door, but before he left he turned around one last time, eyes fixed on Anders.

 

"Are you coming?"

 

Not waiting for an answer he left The Hanged Man, glad that it wasn't so crowded anymore. He waited outside with his back against the wall and his arms crossed. After a few minutes had passed he thought that it just confirmed what he had thought all along. It had never been about him. But just when he decided to leave on his own, Anders burst through the door, looking stressed and turning in all directions until he spotted Fenris. Then he let go the breath he was holding.

 

"There you are. They were asking so many questions."

 

"Did you answer any of them?"

 

"No..."

 

"Come."

 

He expected the mage to explode in his face as soon as they started walking but he kept quiet and followed Fenris back to his mansion, he didn't even comment on the corpses still lying around or the mushroom growing in places they shouldn't. When they entered the bedroom, Fenris closed the door behind them and then looked at Anders who seemed... nervous.

 

"So you know?"

 

Fenris took off his gauntlets and placed them on the dusty desk. "I caught you, one evening, almost a week ago. I went to Hawke to tell him about my sister, but.. he was occupied." He turned to look at Anders. "Did it happen more than once?"

 

Anders sighed. "A few times."

 

"I... need to know the reason."

 

"Isn't that obvious? What do you think is the reason?"

 

"Well... Apparently you like to be used and hurt during sex, I guess I'm the best option then. Someone you hate and someone who hates you. I'm probably a nice tool to get you off. That's why you kneeled for me in the alley."

 

He didn't expect to see Anders so confused at his words. "That's what you were thinking? A private joke between me and Hawke to get myself off?" When Fenris kept quiet, Anders seemed ready to tear his hair out again. "I don't believe this! No wonder you left me there on the dirty ground with your bloody seed on my face!"

 

"What was it then?" Fenris asked, automatically picking up on the anger to fuel his own. "Don't tell me you have feelings for me, mage!“

 

"Of course I have!" Anders stepped into Fenris' personal space, their noses almost touching. "Mostly infuriating feelings because you refuse to see anything beyond your own suffering. Because you're rude and uptight about anything fun and... and you're too beautiful to be so unhappy all the time! But you're also passionate and you care about a lot of things. And there were moments I wished you would care for me too. That moment turned into feelings that haunted me in the fade and Justice wasn't any help either since he'd love to rub himself all over you and isn't really quiet about it."

 

Fenris had to process all that input and didn't know what to answer to that. At first there was relief that the three of them didn't have fun at his expense and laughed about him behind his back. Then something that made him want to kiss Anders creeped up his neck but the thing about Justice made him frown.

 

"What has your spirit to do with all of this?"

 

Anders smiled when Fenris called Justice a spirit and reached for his hand, touching the Lyrium covered palm with his lips and both their breaths hitched. The elf felt a small tingling in his arm and Anders' eyes flickered blue for a split second.

 

"Your markings sing to him. Lyrium is quite attractive to spirits and he... thinks about tracing them all with his tongue. Well, my tongue. After I sucked you off he was almost high and didn't let me sleep that night at all. That is so weird, he really shouldn't do that... I was desparate and defeated by my own feelings. A while ago I stayed with Isabela and Garrett for a night and I... kind of told them? Shut up justice, I didn't lament!" Anders closed his eyes and pressed Fenris' whole hand against his face, almost like he wanted to hide behind it. "It was harmless when he started to act like you and teased me about mage rights and suddenly he was on top of me and... we didn't stop. Isabela encouraged it and that was it. We did it a few times and it... helped."

 

"So you're not in love with them?"

 

Anders opened his eyes with a slight frown, like he couldn't figure out if Fenris was actually interested in that. He was. He wanted the mage to himself, whatever that meant.

 

"No, I'm not in love with them," he declared in a calm voice and swallowed visibly.

  
Fenris nodded. "Take off your clothes, mage."

 

Anders looked surprised but started to undo the buckles of his feather coat immediately and Fenris took off his breast plate. They watched each other while they undressed and Anders was even leaner than he thought. The coat made up for a lot. It either was the lack of food or the lack of muscles, but Fenris didn't mind. He only had a glimpse back then when Anders was buried underneath Hawke, now he could see and touch him himself. With a pleased hum he helped the mage out of the rest of his clothes or rather ripped them apart, before he pushed him onto the bed and climbed on top of him. Anders only complained mildly.

 

"Andraste's tits, I've never thought-"

 

Fenris cut him off with a rough kiss, less teeth than last time but enough to make him whimper. That same fire flared up inside Fenris again, the need and the want was so overwhelming and he opened his mouth to let the mage suck on his tongue eagerly. It felt good. Anders' hands roamed his skin like a foreign map, tracing the embossed markings from his neck over his back and Fenris groaned, each touch made him forget a year of pain that the Lyrium had brought upon him. He teared away his lips from Anders' mouth who followed him with a frustrated groan.

 

"Why doesn't it hurt with you?" Fenris demanded in a voice too harsh for the ease he felt.

 

"What do you mean?"

 

"Whoever touched me, it always hurt, it was like my skin wasn't made for anything else but pain."

 

Anders stared at him and traced his hands back over Fenris' shoulders. The elf shivered and his eyelids fluttered for a moment.

 

"I'm a healer. My magic works differently. Even when I'm not using it, it... it is a part of me. How do I explain? We all use the same magic coming from the fade. It's a raw material but when it rushes through our bodies it becomes our own magic, it's like a snow flake! Each of them is different. Maybe my magic matches your markings in an odd way. Or maybe it's Justice's influence, I don't know... But it feels good?"

 

One of Anders' fingers ghosted over his chin, where two lines of Lyrium wound it's way down.

 

"Yes," Fenris murmured and pushed the mage's hand away so he could start kissing his way down his neck, with particular care for the mark he had left last time. The spot seemed still tender because Anders winced a little. He wasn't gone far enough yet to appreciate the pain. But Fenris would lead him there without doubt, starting by sucking one of Anders' nipples into his mouth, grazing them with his teeth. He pressed his body against the other, dark against white and started to touch him everywhere, determined to find out every spot that made the man's breath falter. It had been forced to do in Tevinter, learning how to get them off as fast as possible so it was over quickly. But this time he did it because he wanted it to last.

 

He traced the mage's skin with his own hands, particulary interested in the body hair he wasn't used to because Elves lacked most of it. It covered his arms and legs, but also a small part of his abdomen, trailing deeper where it curled around Anders' stiffened cock. He was hard himself by now, the thought of finally having Anders to himself making it easy to get aroused. Fenris' lips trailed more of his limbs, leaving his cock alone on purpose, to torment him just a little bit.

 

"Fenris..." There it was. "Fenris, please. I can't..."

 

Fenris slowly crawled back up to Anders and the mage quickly entangled their legs to keep him in place, rubbing himself against the Lyrium.

 

"What can't you?"

 

"I can't wait."

 

"Wait for what?"

 

"You want me to say it, don't you? I want you to fuck me."

 

Fenris looked down at Anders, another image springing to his mind, of Anders being tied down on his stomach. He knew how the mage wanted him, Anders had imagined it quite vividly, but Fenris didn't want to fuck him like Hawke did. Not on his stomach like a common whore who didn't want to look her customer in the eye. Varric's words, not his.

 

"I'm not Hawke... and I'm not how Hawke impersonated me. It's not that I don't like it rough or... painful, for others. I like the way you squirm beneath me. But this isn't just about pain. And if that's the only thing you want, the image of me that you saw in Hawke, then I don't know if I can actually do this."

 

Anders was still trembling and clinging to Fenris, his grip only getting stronger now.

 

"That's not it... I like it that way, but it's not everything. I couldn't picture you to like me... so I pretended that you hated me so much that you wanted me. Everything else would've exhausted our power of imagination."

 

"I just want to make you understand that I can only be myself. When I hurt you I want it to be more than just pain... I want to look at you when I fuck you, mage."

 

Anders grinned at the last word and pulled him closer. "I like the way you say it now. Say it again."

 

"Shut up, _mage_ ," he growled and kissed him again, muffling the low chuckle errupting from his throat.

 

Fenris felt more confident now to fully take control, to finally fuck him and Anders seemed to have the same thought because he spread his legs beneath the elf and took Fenris' fingers in his hand. He felt a short pull at his markings, then his fingers were greasy and Fenris thought that this was indeed some handy spell, which probably didn't have any other purpose than this. He didn't mind.

 

He pulled back and sat on the heels of his feet while dragging his fingers between Anders' cheeks, looking for the small entrance. When he found it, he didn't hesitate to push in the first finger. He was still careful, easing his way in and watching the other man's face for a sign of discomfort. But there wasn't and Fenris grew bolder, bending his finger to make him shudder and adding a second when he didn't shudder enough.

 

With the thumb of his other hand he traced Anders' lower lip, letting the tip slide inside and Anders immediately reacted with a moan, his eyes rolling back slightly before he sucked it in deeper. The markings felt like they were swelling and dripping with Lyrium but that was just a feeling, so he shoved in a third finger and watched the mage twitch harder.

 

"Maker's breath," he panted when Fenris pulled back completely to cover his own cock with the greasy substance. "It's like I'm chewing on raw Lyrium, but a hundred times better."

 

Fenris was too aroused to say anything right now, he just took himself in hand and pressed into the mage in one long stroke. He had wanted to watch Anders' reaction when he did but he was so overwhelmed by the sensation that he closed his eyes and pressed his face against Anders' shoulder.

 

"Fasta vass, _yes_." A hiss escaped Fenris' throat and he immediately started to thrust into Anders, leaving him no time to adjust, but the preparation had been enough. Or maybe Anders enjoyed the slight burn of the stretch.

 

They were close, their foreheads pressed against each other's and Anders' legs cradling Fenris' hips. He liked that, the way the mage clung to him, like he needed him that much . It was good to have him face to face, so he could kiss and bite at his lips, whisper filthy things against them that made Anders' pupils dilate some more.

 

"Fenris," he whispered again. "Fenris, _Fenris_."

 

"What is it, what do you need?"

 

"Please, just a little."

 

He arched his back, struggling so much that Fenris slipped out of him and the elf snarled and tried to hold him still, to catch the rim of his hole again, but Anders didn't stop moving.

 

"Enough, _mage_."

 

He used force now, and even though Anders was bigger than him, Fenris was a warrior. He pinned down Anders' hips with his own and grabbed his hands to press them to the mattress.

 

"Is that it? Do you still want to be tied down? But I think you can be good." Fenris placed Anders' hands on the headboard and nibbled at the man's lower lip. "I think you can leave them there without me tying you down. Can you do that?"

 

Anders' eyes sparkled, but not blue, and he nodded obediently which got him another toothful kiss. When Fenris released his lips he shouldered both of Anders' legs, stroking the light hair covering it. This way he had Anders trapped between his own body and Fenris, no way to escape or to move.

 

This time when he pushed in he _did_ watch Anders and he liked what he saw. There was a twitch in the arms, the urge to back away, but he kept them on the headboard. He could also see how the mage closed his eyes and bit his own lip. He was even more beautiful like this. And he'd make sure no one else would ever see him like this again. He wasn't the type to share.

 

"Next time I'll keep the gauntlets on, make you bleed and scream." And then Fenris would hold him close and kiss his wounds.

 

He tried to resume his former pace but at this angle he had more control, he could fuck him slower but harder now, trying to hit that sweet spot inside of the mage. Anders moaned and whispered blasphemous words, or begged for more when Fenris teased him. He was much more vocal than he was in the alley and Fenris decided that he liked that version far better. It was more raw and honest and brutal, like the way Fenris pounded into him, bending Anders' legs some more when he reached down to kiss him, to taste some of the words on his tongue, to breathe in his moans. Anders' hips where slightly raised, so Fenris could slam in deeper and he relished in the feeling. He wanted to pull at Anders' hair again, which was splayed across the pillow now. But instead he took a look at the mages neck and sank his teeth into the mark that he had left that other day. Anders yelped loudly, his body jerking, and then groaned with frustration, probably because he wanted to touch so badly but wasn't allowed to move his hands.

  
Fenris grinned into his flesh and bit and sucked at the sensitive skin. He seized Anders' hips with both hands, digging his nails into the skin to leave more marks, everyone should know that this was his mage. Anders was a whimpering mess in his arms, no coherent words tumbled from his lips anymore, he was lost in a haze of Lyrium and pain and pleasure, all at the same time, Fenris could see it but also feel it. Anders' feet were crossed behind Fenris' back, heel pressing into his skin. He was surprised that he was close too, yet he couldn't bring himself over the edge. It was like a veil that kept him from the other side. But Anders shifted his head, pressed it to the white hair and whined.

 

"Please, please, _Fenris_. Come inside me. Please."

 

And something ripped apart inside of him. He thrusted into Anders one last time, his legs moving with him, scratching at the sheets, like he was trying to crawl inside, but instead he was pumping in his release. He shuddered and groaned, licking at the blood on Anders' shoulder and he could feel a wet heat pooling between them. Was there a crack of blue on Anders' skin?

 

Fenris was taking deep breaths, hips jerking a few more times until he felt spent. Slowly he let Anders' legs slide from his shoulders and they hit the mattress with a dull sound. Fenris didn't know when was the last time he had felt that relieved and calm, not even killing Danarius satisfied him that much. His skin wasn't hurting, the Lyrium was humming and tingling from the afterglow, what if he let Anders lick at them now? Slowly he pulled himself up so he could look down at Anders. The neck was a new mess, his thighs and hips red and his nipples swollen. With eyes still closed Anders twisted his forhead in discomfort, but Fenris couldn't tell what it was. After every climax the pain probably stopped feeling good and the mage tried to deal with that right now.

 

Fenris slowly pulled out and moved away to get a rag but Anders whined right away, so he just grabbed Anders' tunic that was lying next to the bed to clean himself and the mage. He could order Anders to heal himself but he hadn't done so with his neck either so he figured he wanted it this way. Sudden guilt infested Fenris, as he thought about how he had left the mage in the alley, probably not feeling any better than now. He led Anders there, it was his responsibility to bring him back, too.

 

Fenris was not familiar with giving comfort, for obvious reasons. How could he, when he had never received any himself. But he could remember more and more things from before getting the Lyrium markings. Maybe now he could try, could find some compassion inside of himself. He took the blanket that he had almost wiped off the bed during their act and draped it over himself and Anders. He slowly pushed him onto his side so Fenris could embrace the taller man and press their bodies together. He frowned a little at the scars that were covering Anders' back. They were crisscrossed, ugly, and spoke of punishment. When Fenris left scars in the future he wanted them to compliment Anders' skin. The mage should think of them fondly, like the mark on his neck.

 

Fenris pulled him close and let his fingers rub over Anders' chest and arms, like he would massage magisters in the past, but a bit softer. He mouthed gently at the abused skin of Anders' neck and felt himself relax when Anders sighed and slowly eased into his arms. Fenris was a bit proud of himself, that he was capable of being tender after all and not a mere beast, like Danarius had always told him. For days he had felt incomplete, like killing his master had left him empty because what was he now? Suddenly the possibilities seemed less limited.

 

"You must think me pathetic, that I crave to be owned, to be hurt, after what they did to me in the circle," Anders murmured and got a hold of Fenris' arm, pulling it tighter around himself. "But now I have a choice, now I can say no."

 

Fenris hummed and buried his nose in Anders' hair. He still smelled of Elfroot and dust, but now there was also the scent of sweat and sex.

 

"And what about me? I treated you like magisters would treat their slaves. I liked hurting you... But you are right, now we have a chance to say no. We do what we want, not what others want us to do."

 

Anders shuffled slightly to turn his head and look at Fenris. He seemed tired.

 

"Did you just say that I am right? I must be in the fade and when I wake up you'll try to smother me in my sleep."

 

"Shut up, mage."

 

"I'll remember this moment and tease you whenever I can."

 

"Stop it. I just liked arguing with you. It was the first time I met a mage and was allowed to object. It was too tempting to not do it."

 

Anders raised his eyebrows. "Does that mean you sometimes disagreed with me even though you secretly thought I was right?"

 

Fenris frowned. "I wouldn't go that far. I don't think every mage deserves to be treated the way they are treated by the templars. I didn't wish for Bethany to be taken away or for everyone to be made tranquil, but..."

 

"I'm sorry... I know that I was everything you were running away from and you did have it worse than most mages. It was just so enraging the way you dismissed everything else."

 

"I know."

"I really thought about going to Tevinter," Anders murmured and Fenris tensed slightly. "Just like you wanted to go to a place where elves weren't a property. But there are too many things going wrong and... Justice meant it. When the mages are free we'll hunt down every slaver that we can find. Justice likes you... and he's so sated right now I almost feel like myself again."

  
The elf relaxed again and then grumbled when Anders shoved at him, rolling on his back. Fenris propped up his arm next to the mage so he could look down at him. Anders seemed more present again.

 

"I still don't understand how you can share your body with a spirit, but maybe it's not my place to judge. I will kill all demons that cross my path though," he added with a smile.

  
Anders smiled as well but it looked a little sad, almost like pity. "Perhaps you will understand one day, Fenris."

 

He doubted that but he didn't say so. He just took a deep breath again. "I just want to give you a chance... So I can give myself one, too."

 

Anders gazed up at him for a moment, a little stunned, then there was a wounded sound in the back of his throat and he grabbed Fenris' face to pull him in for a kiss. It was the first deep kiss they shared without the rough edges and he almost didn't know how to handle it. This wasn't a kiss of want and needs, it was one of affection. Maybe Anders could lead him there, too.

 

When they broke apart Anders didn't move his hands away, he kept stroking Fenris' face with careful fingers and the elf shivered a little. He liked being touched by the mage and he had never liked to be touched before. It was all odd and new, but he would cope.

 

"You know, perhaps one could take all the good things from Tevinter and Ferelden and do something better for-"

 

" _No_."

 

Anders laughed a little and smoothed his thumb over Fenris' eyebrow and into his hair.

 

"It's always black and white with you, huh?" Then his face went slightly blank. "But maybe you're right. Maybe there can't be a compromise."

 

Fenris didn't like that expression at all and tried to kiss it away, with a bit more teeth this time and didn't stop until Anders smiled again. _There. That's better._

 

"I..." Anders swallowed. "I know you're not one to talk about feelings and _love_ but-"

 

"I want you," Fenris interrupted him and tried to hold the mage's gaze.

 

Anders smirked a little and slowly pulled the blanket over their heads.

 

"That's enough. For now."

 

*

 

_Love him, love him, love him, until you have him._

 


	2. Epilogue

"Now, there we were, Meredith with a determined expression on her face, ready to kill us all. Hawke is a fair man, you know, even though Anders was on his knees and not even sorry for what he did, Hawke still respected him."

 

Varric grinned at how all of them were hanging on his every word, even Cassandra, who had already read his book _and_ heard the story back when she questioned him. Dorian was very interested in the story itself while Sera complained that there wasn't enough fucking in it.

 

"Kirkwall sounds boring, there is so much blood and death but not even an itsy bitsy bit of passion. I want to hear more about the pirate!" Sera was almost pouting and banged her fist on the table.

 

"Don't interrupt me, buttercup, the grand finale is coming!"

 

"Oh I think I know how it ends," the Iron Bull said with a dirty look and folded his hands behind his head.

 

"Now. Some of us probably wouldn't have minded if Hawke had killed Anders, he had done something terrible after all, the chantry being the only chance of peace between templars and mages. But Anders had his own agenda and didn't tell anyone about it, not even Hawke. Anders wanted to die perhaps, he even asked for it, Fenris wouldn't have minded at all! He even left when Hawke declined Meredith."

Varric made a dramatic pause and took a sip of his ale to moist his dry mouth again.

 

"Oh no, I liked Fenris! What happened then, Varric?" Josephine bent over the table and didn't even blink.

 

Varric grinned.

 

"Well, Fenris returned later." Josephine made a happy sound. "Hawke gave him quite the guilt trip and it was a real mess, we didn't think we'd have a chance. Even Orsino fell back on blood magic, figuring that if they accused him of using it and he couldn't convince them otherwise, then he should try it after all. So there wasn't only Meredith but also Orisino! It was a rough fight and when it was over we were weakened. Meredith had a sword of red lyrium that was driving her mad but it was no excuse for her evil deeds. In the end, she was destroyed by her own actions and it was our dear Cullen who made sure that we could escape Kirkwall. Without him I wouldn't be here to tell this wonderful tale!"

 

Varric looked at the faces of his friends and smiled at all the manifold reactions that he brought out of them. This was why he loved being a writer, a talespinner. His words were the same but the impact was always different.

 

"In the end we all had to leave Hawke's side, except for Isabela. I don't know where Anders went but Merrill looked after the elves who were left homeless by the fighting. Aveline is still guard captain, thank the maker, without her Kirkwall would fall into pieces for sure! Fenris had been the first to leave, trying to hunt down as many slavers as he could. He always was a loner."

 

"That's not what happened."

 

Sera screamed at the voice appearing next to her. Cole was sitting on a chair and frowning at the table, like he was trying very hard to remember something. He didn't even realise that Sera made Blackwall switch seats with her.

 

"What do you mean, kid?," Varric asked. "I'm pretty sure I was there."

 

"Me too."

 

Now everyone at the table turned to stare at Cole. Even Varric was stunned.

 

"You're a storyteller. You tell, spin, change, re-arrange to make it work. You're not lying but you twist until it's different. It's not what happened, it's not what I remember."

 

"Cole." It was Solas' voice that made the spirit look up and blink. "You didn't have a body at that time."

 

"No. But I was part of him for so long. I remember a child, so sad and hurting, not belonging to himself. Then his master changed him, cooked him in Lyrium and the pain was so great I made him forget. I had to stay, he was like a beacon to spirits and demons; I had to stay, to keep rage and pride and desire away."

 

Varric slowly leaned back in his chair, listening to Cole's words. Of course Varric had told a different story. It was the story that he had presented to Cassandra, to protect his friends. The mage who destroyed the chantry and hosted a spirit ran off with an elf covered in Lyrium? Together they were powerful, who wouldn't try to hunt them down? He couldn't just tell the truth now and some things were necessary to make a story exciting, interesting.

 

"And then they met, one spirit-ridden, the other branded with pain. Bodies entwined like hands, but they're not hands. Hate him, hate him, hate him, until he loves him. He could finally tell the fire that it wasn't burning and I..." For the first time ever Varric saw a blush on the kid's pimpled face. "I remember Justice and me being a mirror. Painfully gentle, dripping from their sleeves and merging behind the veil."

 

"So you mean... Fenris and Anders were involved? Not enemies?" Cassandra huffed and turned her look on Varric. She was probably wondering what else he was lying about. First Hawke, now this. He would lock his door tonight and his windows too, just in case she was thinking about sending one of Leliana's assassins after him.

 

"The chantry exploded, betrayal of heart and mind but nothing lasts forever, so how long until you forgive? He couldn't bear a moment apart, so they fled and hunted slavers. Letting go, finding peace, on the same crusade... I couldn't leave until then. He breathes again."

 

"So..." Sera dared to peek around Blackwell's shoulder and squinted at Cole. "There was a tiny weeny bit more sweaty love-making? Tell us!"

 

The Iron Bull laughed. "Hah! I knew it."

 

Varric was being quiet now, smiling to himself. Oh well. Maybe that was the story he _should've_ told.

 

"Different..." Cole said and frowned at the table again. "It was Lyrium-painful-host who went to see the hawk. He wanted to ask for help about his sister..."

 

*

 

_Nothing will ever stay the same, so I'll love whatever you become, and forget the reckless things we've done._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To say it with the words of my beta: "!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT A RIDE. OH MY GOD."
> 
> This fic got out of hand very quickly and I can't believe I wrote all that in a few days. I was afraid to go to bed because I thought I would lose my flow. This whole thing was actually a prompt I sent to someone else after I scrolled through Kinkyfenris' blog. and then I thought: I could write this myself. I actually just wanted to write the first part but then I saw that tumblr post that said "hey they probably didn't hate each other THAT much, Varric is a writer and the game is basically just the story he told CASSANDRA and we already know he lied about Hawke's whereabouts"
> 
> So that's how I had the idea with Cole. I always thought Compassion was something that would develop after horrible things happened to the world, so Cole is probably a young spirit and found Fenris when he was young too. So he was possessed by a Spirit too and Justice and Anders definitely knew, they just didn't tell him yet. ALSO YES JUSTICE AND COMPASSION MADE SOME SWEET LOVE TOO AND COLE REMEMBERS THAT. At least that's what I like to think.
> 
> Anyway, this got long. I hope you liked it and maybe leave something nice for me <3
> 
>  
> 
> (last lines + lines in the summary: Muse - Falling away with you)


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